David Holmberg Holmberg really doesn’t
have any idea what he’s saying, but he’ll definitely pretend to if
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Intelligence has nothing to do with knowledge. Hopefully, most
of you know this, as you are in college and likely attend class
very little, and read even less. The key to being intelligent is to
just sound like you know what you are talking about, and indeed the
less you know, the better, as you won’t confuse yourself
terribly much.
Bullshitting is a skill that takes years of effort and probably
more work than learning whatever it is you are pretending to know.
Nevertheless, the whole process is quite satisfying. Personally, I
am more excited when I pass exams I did not prepare for, primarily
because it reaffirms my powers of knowing without knowing.
But, since this is the Arts & Entertainment section and not
Dave’s Column of Self Promotion, it would be a good idea to
teach you how to effectively bullshit your way through a discussion
on the arts, in particular that ever-debated topic, film.
The first key to sounding like a particularly well-watched and
educated film goer is to talk about foreign films.
It is unnecessary to know any titles ““ just say the movie
is French or Italian and you can’t pronounce the name.
That’ll get you by. Or, if you want, just make it up, because
no one really knows what you’re talking about anyway. In
reality, foreign films aren’t any better than American films,
just different. But because you can simultaneously read subtitles
and watch the action, everyone will be quite impressed.
Step two is to talk about the cinematography. Say something
like, “The cinematography in the film was astounding; the
colors and shadows added such depth to the character
development.” While this statement means almost nothing, it
sounds as though you have some deep knowledge of the film world
that your fellow conversationalists should envy. Referring to the
cinematography also makes no qualifications as to the merit of the
movie, which is dangerously subjective.
Stay away from mentioning specific actors, because this could
expose the large holes in your knowledge. You can mention William
H. Macy, but only if you can name a movie he was in other than
“Fargo.” Or you can bring up Javier Bardem, if
you’ve actually seen “Before Night Falls.”
Otherwise, don’t mention anyone, and stay to the general
topics.
Avoid speaking of mainstream films and directors. For example,
if you mention Steven Spielberg, don’t refer to
“Jurassic Park,” but instead “Schindler’s
List.” Don’t mention him at all if you can help it, but
if it is necessary, just declare he “is so
traditional.” Talk about Kevin Smith, but refer to
“Clerks” and not “Jay and Silent Bob Strike
Back.” There are many good directors who make bad movies, and
it’s extremely necessary to be able to distinguish
between their masterpieces and the rest of the usual
drivel.
This tactic of mocking the mainstream is excellent in making you
particularly elite. Bash Ridley Scott, take jabs at Tom Cruise, and
mention how Julia Roberts would never have won the Academy Award in
“Erin Brokovich” if it wasn’t for Steven
Soderbergh’s excellent directing.
If someone mentions a movie you have not seen, but should have
if you want to be Cinematically Intelligent, just say you saw it,
and agree with their points. If it was an older film, make up
something about how it was so long ago you only remember parts of
it, or say anything that takes pressure off of having to make
specific qualifications about the film, especially related to
plot.
If a certain director is mentioned, try to gauge whether it is
being done in positive or negative light. “Have you seen
(italics on “˜seen’) the new Robert Altman film?”
Even if you’ve never heard of this guy, that’s all
right. I’m supposed to be a film expert, and have never seen
any of his movies. If I have, I wasn’t aware, so regardless,
my knowledge is non-existent.
So, what to say? “No, I haven’t, but I heard it
doesn’t compare to his earlier films,” is a good start.
You are basing your knowledge on someone else’s statement,
even if it is imaginary, but this strategy completely exonerates
you from ignorance.
Above all, always sound like you know what you are talking
about. Never let on that the last movie you saw was “A Walk
to Remember,” or you will be in a decidedly poor position. If
you see bad movies, ones that need no watching to determine their
poor quality, never admit seeing them. To be Filmically Smart is to
not watch obviously bad movies, because really, you should know
better.
So, when in doubt, lie. Lie, lie, lie. Rarely in conversations
do listeners pay close enough attention to hear any of the
responses, anyway. Most likely, they are also pretending to know
more than they do, so it is doubtful they’d counter any of
your falsifications.
There are very few people who know very great quantities of film
information. They are just some geeky fellows who sit in dark rooms
watching films for hours without moving, thinking the world’s
answers are to be found in the frames of motion, and writing
columns for the Daily Bruin as if they know what they are talking
about…