OK let’s just get things straight. Something seriously
screwy is going on here.
I haven’t seen “The Fast and the Furious.” I
haven’t seen “XXX.” I will not see
“Knock-around Guys.”
But Vin Diesel is kicking ass around the box office. According
to the Internet Movie Database, he is going to get $20 million plus
gross points for doing “XXX2.” I just don’t get
it. I guess he’s the next action star or whatever.
Now get this. “Red Dragon” came out this weekend. It
stars Anthony Hopkins, Edward Norton, Ralph Fiennes, Philip Seymour
Hoffman and Emily Watson, to name a few actors. Who wants to bet
that “Red Dragon” will not make as much as
“XXX” did? What’s going on here? Granted,
“XXX” was a summer movie. Big friggin’ deal. The
“Red Dragon” people ““ for the most part ““
are pretty serious actors. Take Edward Norton, for instance. The
most that Edward Norton has been paid for a film has been,
according to the Internet Movie Database, $8 million. This guy has
been nominated for two Oscars. He’s won a Golden Globe.
He’s one of the few guys people can actually call a method
actor, and he’s dedicated.
Now that we have some basic information, let’s compare
some backgrounds, shall we?
Edward Norton, in preparation for “American History
X” gained 30 pounds, shaved his head, and worked out to gain
the muscle required for the part of the Neo-Nazi skinhead Derek
Vinyard. Vin Diesel has muscles.
Norton bounces around from project to project, ranging from
dramas to thrillers to romantic comedies to dark comedies to
whatever other genres, I don’t know, I suck at this
classification thing. Diesel used to work as a bouncer.
Edward Norton lost weight for his role as the narrator in
“Fight Club.” Vin Diesel looks like he’s lost his
hair.
Edward Norton received an Oscar nomination in his feature film
debut for his supporting role in “Primal Fear.” Vin
Diesel’s first leading role was the voice of the Iron Giant
in “The Iron Giant.” For those of you who haven’t
seen this film, it’s a great cartoon, but the Iron Giant
doesn’t have any speaking parts. So “¦ you guessed it!
Vin Diesel’s greatest line from the film is:
Rooaaaaaaaaarrrr!!! Oh yea, I’m sorry, he did have a speaking
role. He hosted the behind-the-scenes making-of featurette on the
DVD. But wait a second, I’m sorry, I’m not giving Vin
Diesel any credit for his dialogue.
Remember the “XXX” trailer, when he pointed at all
the guns and then his car, and said “I want all that, in
here.” That was great.
Yea, I’m sure Vin Diesel could kick Edward Norton’s
ass, and he sure as hell could kick mine, but that’s only
physically. I bet if there was some cool acting way of fighting, in
which the better you act the more pain would you inflict on the
other actor, then Edward Norton could surely kick Vin
Diesel’s ass.
Or actually, maybe I should have said, if they were compared as
actors, Norton would be better than Diesel. Oh whoops, by Norton, I
meant Edward Norton, the subject of this column, not the anti-virus
software. Oh and by Norton being better than Diesel, I meant that
Norton the actor would be better than Diesel the actor, not Norton
the actor and Diesel the gasoline, or any combination of anti-virus
software and petroleum products.
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is truly one of the greatest
mysteries of modern American cinema. Oh, and by one of the greatest
mysteries of American cinema, I meant the discrepancy between the
talent and salary of Norton and Diesel, not the awkward phrasing in
my column.
See you next week!