Attention all concerned students: I am starting a donation fund.
For the sake of humanity and the future of the music business, I am
beginning the pop star college fund.
I know most pop stars have the money and can afford to attend
college; however, it would take a public outcry for them to
actually peel themselves away from their multi-million dollar homes
to do so. A lot of the young celebrities du jour had yet to finish
high school before they were offered record deals, and it reflects
in their comments during interviews.
Take Britney Spears for example. Last week in U.S. Weekly she
asked, “What’s Hinduism? Is that like Kaballah?”
If Spears has managed to remain ignorant of the world’s third
largest religion with around 800 million practitioners, there must
be some sort of problem. What kind of cave did she grow up in to
have never heard of Hinduism? I’m directing Spears’
funds to a bachelor’s degree in world arts and cultures, to
give her a well-rounded knowledge of the world outside of Kentwood,
Louisiana.
Next on the list we have Beyoncé Knowles. I don’t
think an interview passes where she doesn’t say
“I’m so blessed,” and she often talks about her
close relationship with Jesus and her church. Call me crazy, but I
don’t think a minister would appreciate her romping around
half-naked on stage and gyrating in booty-shorts in her videos.
Knowles is using what we educated folks call fallacious reasoning,
and for her I prescribe a philosophy degree so she may learn more
about her religion and the foolishness of self-contradiction.
Knowles is kidding herself if she thinks she has a wholesome
church girl image, as I’ve seen as much of her T and A as I
have of Spears’ or Christina Aguilera’s. Whether these
women like it or not, they are role models for the 10- to
14-year-old girls demographic in this country and throughout the
world. Many people find controversy in their slinky outfits or
their provocative dancing, but their lack of intelligence could
have a much more profound effect on their fans.
And this brings me to everyone’s favorite blonde, Jessica
Simpson. We have all heard about the “plata-ma-pus,”
the “Chicken of the Sea” debacle and the run-in with
buffalo wings. But contrary to what most people think, Simpson is
not that dumb. Fans went nuts over her faux pas; it scored her a
second season of Newlyweds on MTV and bumped up her C-plus list
status to the A-list. Her ability to realize her own publicity
potential and capitalize on her stupidity is what makes her smarter
than we have given her credit for. Well done, Simpson, you get an
honorary degree in mass marketing.
Everything about celebrities today is made to be a product,
including their personalities. It’s no longer just a face and
an album that is being purchased, it’s an entire image. With
these beautiful, manicured stars coming out with these ridiculous
comments, it sends a message to those consuming the product that
it’s okay to be stupid if you are beautiful.
And it’s nearly impossible to stay away from the huge
stars like Britney Spears. One would have to steer clear not only
from MTV, VH1, and the E! Channel, but even ABC and CBS just to
avoid the bombardment of her influence. Even non-TV watchers
aren’t safe, as malls, magazines, Web sites and radio
stations thrive on pop star music, references and
paraphernalia.
So I’m sorry Spears, you have really not left us enough
options to get away from you, and thus I am starting the pop star
college fund. I don’t want to risk the work feminists have
been doing for centuries just so morons can be marketed as sex
symbols. I don’t want my 10-year-old cousins thinking
it’s OK to skate by on their looks. I want them to know the
importance of education and that beauty is secondary to brains.
E-mail Marras at [email protected].