“The Longest Yard” Directed by Peter Segal
Paramount Pictures
Adam Sandler has made his career getting audiences to root for
delinquents. He has played slackers, untalented hockey players,
mediocre singers and more. Sandler has entertained audiences by
showing that even the little guy can find the strength to achieve
something great. But if his track record has been pretty consistent
up ’til now, why does he completely flunk his next test? In
“The Longest Yard,” Sandler plays Paul Crewe, a
disgraced former professional football player who is publicly
despised for purposely losing a game. Surprisingly, despite his
shady morals and bad attitude, Crewe has held onto a pretty decent
way of life. He is first seen belligerently drunk, watching a
big-screen television, while his girlfriend yells at him for not
mingling with all the famous people at their party downstairs.
Courteney Cox plays Crewe’s girlfriend, but she is such a
minor character you wonder why she bothered with the role;
it’s not like she needs the money after
“Friends.” And as the only female character, she sexes
up the film by wearing a pink dress bought in Cleavage City. Get a
good look at those, because once Crewe locks her in a closet and
takes her fancy car out for a spin, you don’t see much more
of her. Crewe, of course, gets pulled over by the cops, but the
incompetent law enforcers merely laugh at his unfunny one-liners
until he taunts them with a beer can and speeds away into the next
chase scene. The crucial flaw so far is the film’s assumption
that the audience will be on Crewe’s side through thick and
thin. It assumes that as we watch him drunkenly drive on the wrong
side of the road, amazingly maneuvering through traffic and hurting
no one, that we will find it funny, not absolutely horrifying. And
once Crewe inevitably winds up in prison, we are instantly expected
to hate the guards when they are mean to him. Granted, the guards
are cruel to stereotypical excess, but still, he had it coming.
Once in prison, Crewe starts sporting a beanie on sunny days to
look tough. He talks back to the guards and wins the admiration of
his peers. He also starts to make life-long friends, as the
Allenville Penitentiary feels more like a gritty summer camp for
angry people than it does a prison. After all, you get to play
basketball with rapper Nelly, exchange witty banter with Chris
Rock, and meet a former football legend played by Burt Reynolds. As
if it weren’t important, the crimes that each character
committed are never mentioned. So besides the bad food, tiny rooms
and occasional beatings, why would anyone not want to commit a
felony? Of course, the whole felony thing was merely to get Crewe
into prison. Once there, the main story of an inmates vs. guards
football game can get started. But it’s scary to watch Crewe
and his cronies recruit the roughest prisoners for their team.
These men want revenge against the guards, not just a football
victory. At a strategy meeting, one of the players cheers,
“We’re convicts ““ it’s time we start acting
it!” Run for your lives! By the time the big game rolls
around, the transformation from law enforcers to evil enforcers is
pretty much complete. Careful steps are taken throughout the film
to vilify the guards; one of them takes steroids, one is racist,
one is a sadist, and most of them are willing to take the low road
in order to win. But perhaps the main reason “The Longest
Yard” is so unwatchable is that it is not funny. If a
character makes you laugh, it is easier to like him, and while
minor characters earn an occasional chuckle, Sandler just cannot
hit a punchline. It is very possible to sympathize with villains
without making light of their crimes, but this film does not even
attempt to give Sandler’s character the necessary depth.
Perhaps he could have committed some “white-collar”
crime a la Martha Stewart. She’s out of jail and still worth
gazillions. But a detestable main character is a hard thing to
maneuver around, especially while driving drunk. -Amy
Crocker